Happy Birthday Siona! I Love You!

 A few nights ago I was lying outside in the cold next to an open fire watching the sky. I saw each star appear first one then two, three and then I felt I could see the spots in the sky like particularly empty burning holes in the dark night sky where the next star would show itself. It almost hurt. I looked away for a bit and then looked up again and there were too many stars to ever count. There are less of some things and more of others.

I don't like that word alone or with any of its suffixes or even the way it rolls off the tongue it doesn't even roll it spits out.

That is one thing about being human one great thing that we see out into the world each so utterly in our own way. What a thing to imagine to be behind someone else's eyes. Everything.

Oh I haven't written for so long I love Siona's questions. I live in a place with no connection at all to the internet which is wonderful! Sometimes I have a quick chance to get online and I check the Gaia Q&R and feel or more thinkt that it is switched around. There are two ways I am seeing it now. One is that all my answers want to be the same so I am thinking that there is one answer to all the questions.  The other way is that the questions are the answers. Siona is asking the answers. I like to absorb them I am so in love with just living and no explaining or contemplating forward or back.

Someone missing her feathers or fur. Or maybe i feel that way because we have moved so far from where we began as humans and I don't have the capacity for that distance.

I just remembered this today. When I was a tiny unborn foetus inside my mother she went water skiing. My father and his brothers had built a home made ski jump and they were all skiing off it. My sister was a small baby a few months old and my mother was pregnant but so soon again she was aftraid to tell her in laws, so she bravely went over the ski jump and did a huge belly flop into the water as she crash landed she was worried about me inside her and oh how I hated water and swimming as a child I refused to learn to swim and every forced lesson ended in tears. Maybe there is some connection. I have learned to swim it has always been an act of overcoming fear more than an act of swimming. I don't like the feeling of my legs dangling in the murkiness below me I don't mind being head down if I coud breath underwater it would be fine it is having my head in a different element than the rest of my body that is so frightening.

They are kind to eachother it is a relationship of compassion and there is such caring and sharing taking turns in who gets to lead maybe depending on who feels more willing. I think there were times in my life when one woud rule over the other or be mean spirited but most of the time they were pals and there is a lot of joking that goes on too.

Every one. The ones I have eaten and lived with and the animals that live around on the other side of the planet and the ones the cave people speared ten thousand years ago and the animals that evaded the spear. The animals I have read about in stories and Gnomi whining at the door right now who wants to come inside.

The idea of hiding is scary to me because of the possibilty of being found that is then presented. Sometimes I like to be alone and I go into the wilderness which is always close by. Then I feel the opposite of hiding I feel so so exposed to the trees seeing right through me and the wind doing what it wants with me or the darkness or sun and that is the best feeling.